Hinge
The app worked. Once. It will not be needed again.
Authorised by the campaign to elect
KY
for Boyfriend
Read it before you answer.
Sect. I — The Electorate
There is one registered voter.
The district is small. The stakes are not.
VoterRegistration
- Registered name
- Madeline
- Known as
- Maddie
- Precinct of origin
- Portsmouth, United Kingdom
- Current location
- Considerably better
- Dependants
- Andrew (cat)
- Declared interests
- Matcha, pilates, romance novels,
and everywhere she hasn't been yet - Party affiliation
- Undeclared
- Ballots issued
- 1
- Status
- Eligible, and very much awaited
Notes on the registered voter
Funny before she is anything else. Kind to people when there is nothing in it for her. Bakes banana bread unprompted and does not make a thing of it. Has beaten the candidate at rock paper scissors every single time they have played, which is currently under review.
The campaign has reviewed the file in full and has no notes.
Sect. II — The Candidate
Meet the man asking for your vote.
Ky is Australian. He sells water fountains. To cats. That is the actual job.
He has never had a proper roast. He made her an English breakfast once and she reviewed it in one word. It was not a nice word.
He is running anyway.
- Running forBoyfriend, first term
- OccupationKeeping cats hydrated (Purestream)
- NationalityAustralian, non-negotiable
- SophisticationSophisticated, for an Australian. Her words.
- Rock paper scissorsLost every game. Still the better player.
- PotteryWon. You can't win at pottery. He won.
- SingingBetter than her. She disagrees. She is wrong.
- Proper roasts consumedZero
- Converted to matchaYes. By her. Within a week.
- Known associateAndrew (cat, Portsmouth)
Sect. III — The Platform
Eleven promises. One voter.
All of them cheap, all of them doable, most of them already happening.
§ 01
Frozen yoghurt, permanently free
First date was Miyo. She didn't pay for a single thing and has brought it up roughly once a week since.
She came for free froyo and got me thrown in. Under this government the froyo stays free forever.
§ 02
The Roast Accords
I have never had a Sunday roast. Not one, ever. She takes this personally and I've started enjoying how much it annoys her.
So here's the deal. I make her a full English breakfast in bed. She takes me for a proper roast.
My last breakfast got a one-word review. I'm not repeating it. I stand by the beans.
§ 03
Matcha, fully funded
She got me on matcha in about a week. Now I have opinions about matcha. I say them out loud. To strangers.
She has also bought me more matchas than I've bought her. I don't think I've ever bought her one. I remain open to her buying me another at any time. That is the policy.
§ 04
The Aperol reversal
I tried an Aperol once, decided I didn't like it, and said so with a lot of confidence. She told me she loves them.
Then I had one in Tuscany and it was incredible. She was right. It's been our drink ever since.
§ 05
Andrew gets a fountain
Andrew gets a Purestream. Free, forever, plus anything else he wants.
I'm not bribing the cat. I just happen to be the one man alive whose whole job is hydrating him. Portsmouth is a long way to go for a person. It's a normal distance to go for a cat.
§ 06
The banana bread reserve
She baked me banana bread. Nobody asked her to. I ate it at a speed that worried both of us.
She's going to do most of the cooking and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I'd just like the banana bread written into the deal specifically.
§ 07
Flowers, as a standing policy
There will always be flowers. No conditions, no occasion needed, and she never has to ask.
The second they start looking sad they get replaced. Sad flowers don't happen on my watch.
§ 08
Continued support for the pregnancy
She fakes being pregnant for work. I've decided to be incredibly supportive about this.
The hand stays on the belly. I'll keep asking how she's feeling in front of people who don't know.
I'm also available for the videos. If a post needs a boyfriend in frame to go viral, I'm in. I'll learn my lines.
§ 09
Every stamp she wants
She wants to see everywhere and I want to go with her. I'll go anywhere, Portsmouth included. I'd just like it written down that I'm going for the cat.
§ 10
A full and fair rematch programme
She lost at pottery to a man who has never done pottery. She also reckons she's the better singer, which is the worst take she has. Unlimited rematches, forever.
Which brings us to rock paper scissors. She has won every single game we have ever played. I have not won once. I am still the better player. Nobody is that lucky, so she's doing something and I'm going to find out what.
§ 11
The part that isn't a joke
I'll be honest with you all the time, including when it would be easier not to be. You'll never have to guess where you stand with me or read between the lines. If something's wrong I'll just say it.
You get to be completely yourself around me, and nothing you tell me ever gets used against you later. And when you need me somewhere, I'll be there. I don't mean that as a nice thing to say. I mean flights.
That's the actual platform. The rest is frozen yoghurt.
Some other promises were made privately and are not going on the internet. They still count.
Sect. IV — Full Disclosure
A photograph has surfaced.
Better she hears it from me.
It's real. She has called it an ick. She has also called it a red flag.
I'm not apologising. They're comfortable. I'm going to keep wearing them.
Also worth saying: she kept seeing me anyway. I think that's the more important fact here.
Sealed record
97%
Approval after seeing all four of these.
Didn't move.
Didn't move.
Sect. V — The Numbers
The polling is honestly ridiculous.
Carried out by the campaign, on the campaign, asking one person.
Candidate approval
97%
Approve
Give or take 3%. The 3% is Andrew. Nobody has explained any of this to him.
Head to head — if the vote were held today
That adds up to more than 100%. Andrew got more votes than there are voters. We looked into it, then stopped looking into it.
Candidate favourability — first month
Week 1Week 2Week 3Week 4Now
It has gone one direction the whole time. We checked for a dip. There isn't one.
30Days in the campaign
1Registered voters
1Free frozen yoghurts issued
0Proper roasts consumed
1Banana breads received
(not enough)
(not enough)
0Rock paper scissors
games won (disputed)
games won (disputed)
∞Cat fountains available
to Andrew
to Andrew
AllFlights he will take
Sect. VI — Endorsements
The support is broad and slightly strange.
“We met him about four hours after the Italian place. At a party. No warning. He was completely fine. That's the real test and he passed.”
“She talks about him differently than she talks about anyone else. That's all I'm putting in writing.”
“Undecided.”
Update: someone showed Andrew the water fountain. He is now leaning yes.“He talks about her constantly. To me. Unprompted. At length.”
“I've watched this bloke commit to almost nothing for years. Then this. Make of it what you will.”
“Yes. Obviously. Next question.”
“Our cats have never been happier. We assume he's the same at everything else.”
“Nah yeah, he's alright.”
Sect. VII — The Record
One month in office, unofficially.
Miyo
First date. Frozen yoghurt. She paid for nothing and still brings it up.
The Italian place
Second date. Halfway through it I stopped thinking of this as dating and started thinking long term.
The party, four hours later
Her friends. No warning. Straight after dinner. I've since been told that was on purpose.
Pottery
I won. You can't win at pottery. I won.
The banana bread
Homemade. Nobody asked her to. Gone in a day.
The quiet ones
Massages, nothing afternoons, staying in. Somewhere in here the dates stopped being dates and started being time.
Today
A website. Slightly too much effort. Entirely deliberate.
Keep going.
Swipe →
Precinct of origin
11°
Portsmouth
She's had a whole month to sell it to me. Not close.
Candidate of origin
31°
Australia
She lived in my hometown once, just not when I did. We missed each other completely. She still admits it was better.
Ten thousand miles between where we started.
Neither of us was anywhere near home when it happened. We were both somewhere else, at the same time, for no reason.
We met in the middle, in a frozen yoghurt shop.
About a metre and a half apart on the second date. That's the only distance that has mattered since.
And when it's Portsmouth's turn, I'll go.
For the cat, obviously. I want to be upfront about my reasons.
The photograph
The candidate and the entire electorate.
Second date. A few hours before he met her friends. Holding a beer he'd mostly stopped drinking.
Sect. VIII — The Ballot
Right. Dropping the act for a minute.
It's been a month. I know that isn't long. But halfway through that Italian dinner I thought, this isn't going to be a casual thing for me. Every week since has made me more sure, not less.
I like that you're funny before you're anything else. I like that you're kind to people when there's nothing in it for you. You baked me banana bread without being asked and had me drinking matcha within a week. Neither of those is a big deal on its own. I just keep bringing them up, which probably tells you something.
You read romance books, so I know what the bar is. I'd like a proper go at it.
So, Maddie. Be my girlfriend.
Official Ballot
One seat / One voter
Office of Maddie's Boyfriend
Mark one box only
Votes are final, non-refundable, and will be celebrated loudly.
You will be given the chance to break the news yourself.